Friday, August 23, 2013

Closure


Wednesday is a big BIG day for me.  I'm letting go of the last possibility that I will carry more children in this life.  I'm finding closure. :)

I've been in pain pretty much since the day I "blossomed" (HA!) back in 4th grade.  Yes, you heard that right.  And I'm not sure that I know what a pain-free day is like for a woman.  After 3 very necessary surgeries and clean-ups in the past 14 years, my doctor finally mentioned the big word to me 3 years ago.

Hysterectomy.

But I wasn't ready to hear it.  The "H" word had been preceded in the conversation by Stage 4 Endometriosis, complex cysts, and "It doesn't get much worse than this."  I just sat there letting it sink in and not wanting to hear it.  I wanted to say WAIT!  I haven't had my babies yet.  I haven't felt that joyous movement from inside me.  I have NEVER had a positive pregnancy test.  I haven't had an ultrasound where anyone smiled and measured a heartbeat.  I've tried and tried so hard.  I just did In Vitro twice last summer, and it broke my heart into a million little pieces.  It's just not FAIR....Please don't take my hope from me.  Let me have one more moment of possibility...

But it came out as "... Not yet."

Fortunately, my doctor is an ANGEL and not only did she not push the matter, but she was inspired to help me prepare for one last attempt at In Vitro.  She put me on certain medications that would help me temporarily and lead me right up to the moment when I met with Dr. Awesome in Salt Lake City.  See HERE to read more about him.

3 years later, and 2 miracle BABIES later.... I sat across from my doctor and she said the "H" word again.  This time I'm ready.

And I'm SOOOOOO very excited to be free.  I've jokingly mentioned for years that my womanly innards were just mocking me anyway.  And Kevin and I are so grateful for the 3 miracles that we get to kiss and hug and tuck into their beds at night.  We are so content.  We are grateful.  We are overwhelmed to be called their Daddy and Mommy.  And we feel very undeserving of their precious love.  Everyday.

So I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  Physical strength, hopefully free from pain!  And watching my children grow (which I cherish daily anyway), knowing that my family is complete.

I feel so relieved.

I feel free from the burden of infertility finally, though I will NEVER forget the struggle and journey.  It's made me the woman, wife, and mother that I am today.

I feel FREE.

See you on the other side. :)

Love,
Nicole






4 comments:

families are forever said...

Your family is so BEAUTIFUL!!!

The Porter Family said...

so happy for your family!

Whitney said...

You are amazing and your kids are ridiculously cute! Good luck with everything. I will be sending happy and healing thoughts your way. Love you lady. :)

Kim said...

I love this Nik. You are such an amazing woman- I really look up to you for the way you've lived your life and for the woman you are. Much love. Take care of yourself sweet friend.