Little Ones

Okay... I'm ready to talk about it.

I know that I've made all these allusions as to something big that went down last Summer and I didn't mean to be so mysterious. But I just wasn't ready to bring it to light. But here it is. Kevin and I attempted In Vitro Fertilization last summer. Twice. And as I "stand" here before you today, I am grateful that we tried. Obviously we were not successful, but I've learned so much about myself, my husband, my family, and my faith.

We spent over 4 weeks total in Chicago while my sweet mother came to Nebraska to watch Noah and Abbie. I think that that was one of the hardest parts of the whole experience. I was separated from my Noah and at a time when emotionally I needed him the most. After 4 decent car trips, 1 airplane ride while carrying on syringes and other notables, over 75 shots, 15 ultrasounds, 20 bloodtests (for me AND Kevin), 2 egg retrieval procedures, and countless hours of waiting for results from the embryology lab... We were blessed with 7 beautiful embryos. I called them "the little ones." Unfortunately, 4 of our little ones were diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis, so by law they could not transfer them back to me for a chance of pregnancy. But the other 3 were healthy and gave us hope. As we sat in the hotel room for 3 days, waiting for the little ones to get big enough for the big day, I remember that I could feel them, even though they were about a city block away from us. I knew they were there thriving. I knew that they were ours. They were a part of me and a part of Kevin.

The day of the embryo transfer, we learned that 1 of them just stopped growing. So our remaining 2 little ones were put back inside me to hopefully find a home and grow into what we'd always dreamed.

I've had this picture since last June and I wasn't ready to post it. I always love it when someone posts their most recent ultrasound on their blog as their announcement or update on their good news. I think they're SO beautiful. And then I usually have to go eat chocolate, work out, or hit my head against the wall for a while. Sometimes all three and usually not in that order. :) My ultrasounds have never been happy news. They usually involved cysts, pain, or other problems. But never life. But last summer, I finally got the picture that I wanted. Here are our little ones.



They're just a speck of light. Both of them are there and perfect. Kevin and I watched the monitor as they placed them and it was like a little shooting star. I was afraid to move afterward, but we made it back to the hotel and rested until it was time to head home. I can't describe what it felt like, after nine years, to be lying there with Kevin's hands on my tummy and KNOWING that our babies were actually there. We experienced a sense of hope that has escaped us since the first three years of our marriage. The hope that this would be the time, that this would be the month that it would happen. Every month for the first three years, we hoped. And then it was gone for so long. But lying there together, with Kevin talking to them as their daddy, that hope came back and it was so overwhelming and beautiful. I'm so glad that we had those moments. We drove home the next day and I had a blood pregnancy test 12 days later. My due date would have been May 1, 2010.

I don't know why my little ones didn't stay. I just know that they didn't. And this is something that I struggle with daily even now. But when I feel like I'm going crazy, I just have to remind myself that yes... it wasn't a dream. Our little ones had really been there. For awhile. And I love them still.

I learned certain things through this experience.

1. My Heavenly Father loves me.

2. There is NOTHING that Kevin won't do for me and for our happiness.

3. God has given us amazing technology, to be used WISELY.

4. My Heavenly Father does love me. He really does.

5. I am so much stronger than I ever knew. And I can give myself a lot of shots.

6. Struggling with sadness and grief over the babies that never came and knowing that someone is still missing from your family does NOT mean that you aren't GRATEFUL for the beautiful little boy that you do have. They are separate struggles.

7. The creation of life is so beautiful and sacred. And just because it is sometimes done in a petri dish in a lab does NOT mean that it was done without love and without righteous desires.

8. My Heavenly Father LOVES me, and can see what I cannot right now.

9. My parents are selfless, amazing people who give so much.

10. I love Kevin more today than I did when we were married ten years ago. I didn't think that would be possible, but it is.

11. I'm not ready to give up.

12. I love my Heavenly Father back... but I'm not ready to be "on speaking terms" with Him about this yet. I'm getting there.


I think that every moment in our life unintentionally or intentionally has a song that goes with it. And then every time we hear it, it takes us right back. For us, JJ Heller's "Your Hands" always brings us back to our little ones. I don't want to post all the words, but it's so beautiful and so true.

Love much,

Nicole
@>->--